


Hero

by shoreside (elizabethshorley)



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Episode Tag, Episode: s07e05 Here Today
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-14
Updated: 2006-11-14
Packaged: 2019-05-30 17:48:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15101840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elizabethshorley/pseuds/shoreside
Summary: "When you walk out of here, there'll be people out there, perhaps a great many, who'll think of you as a hero. I just don't for a moment want you thinking I'll be one of them." - Jed Bartlet





	Hero

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

Characters: Ensemble really but CJ especially.  
Spoilers: Everything up to and including "Here Today"  
Rating: Somewhere between PG and AA  
Disclaimer: They are not mine, they will never be mine and I'm not brilliant enough to create  
them. I wish they still existed outside of my head and fanfic sites everywhere but all good things…  
you know. I make no money; I have no money, yada, yada

  
The song: belongs to Steve Taylor – he wrote it in 1984 and is worth a listen.

  
A/N: I bought season 7 on DVD on November 8, 2006 after having missed most of it due to a  
prolonged hospital stay. I got to "Here Today" and I haven't watched any since because my heart  
is broken. This story is coming out of that place so it's not brilliant or literary. It's more a cry of  
"why".

  
Hero  
It is an odd thing that the words hero and heroine have in their constant use in connection with  
literary fiction entirely lost their meaning. A hero now means merely a young man sufficiently  
decent and reliable to go through a few adventures without hanging himself or taking to drink."  
— G. K. Chesterton

_"When the house fell asleep there was always a light_   
_And it fell from the page to the eyes of an American boy_   
_In a storybook land I could dream what I read_   
_When it went to my head I'd see_   
_I wanna be a hero_   
_But the practical side said the question was still_   
_"When you grow up what will you be?"_   
_I wanna be a hero"_

  
"When you walk out of here, there'll be people out there, perhaps a great  
many, who'll think of you as a hero. I just don't for a moment want you  
thinking I'll be one of them." – Jed Bartlet

  
Why.

  
CJ felt like a second grader. She was very close to putting her head down on her desk and  
crying. They were all gone. First Sam, then Will, then Donna and Josh, then Leo. And the  
one whom she thought would stay for always had just left in disgrace. All she had left  
now was the President, Will and Margaret. Dear Margaret. CJ had finally sent her home  
after the President's address, face red and swollen, with the eyes of one betrayed. CJ  
wished she had something to offer Margaret in the way of comfort but how can you pass  
along a sentiment that you don't have yourself? She wouldn't lie. It wouldn't matter,  
anyhow.

  
The ringing of her telephone shocked her out of her self-reverie. Who would be calling  
now? Probably Josh. Or maybe Leo. Thank God she hadn't reached him before. She was  
getting tired of Babish, tired of having to justify every moment of her time, remember the  
exact phrasing of every word she spoke. Whoever it was, it was likely someone that she  
couldn't talk to. But she picked it up anyhow.

  
"CJ Cregg."

  
"CJ?" The voice on the other end was wobbly but familiar.

  
"Sam?"

  
"I just saw the news conference… CJ, what the?" his voice trailed off. CJ could hear him  
taking gasping breaths, trying hard to hold on to his emotions.

  
"Sam, listen. I'm hanging up now. But I'll call you back. Are you at your office?"

  
"Yeah. I'll be here."

  
"Ok good." She hung up the phone and practically scurried around her office in her haste  
to leave. She hadn't talked to Sam since just after Santos had gotten the nomination. Sam  
needed to know if Santos was the real thing since apparently his conversations with Josh  
had been incoherent. CJ had had to admit that she didn't know, that life at the White  
House without her friends was consuming so much of her time that she had lost touch  
with the campaign. But she reminded Sam that Leo had signed on and so that was a good  
omen.

  
The drive to her house seemed to take longer than usual. She literally perched on the end  
of her seat, silently willing the Secret Service to drive faster. Finally she was inside, the  
cursory walk-through completed and she was free to pick up her cell phone.

  
"Sam Seaborn."

  
"Wow, hotshot lawyer like you answering your own phones." CJ tried to joke but the  
catch in her voice belied her gaiety.

  
"CJ, what the hell?"

  
Sighing, CJ sank onto her couch. "Sam, I don't know. I mean it, I don't know. I didn't  
have any idea. He just blurted it out tonight in my office, probably because everyone but  
me had been subpoenaed and he knew that they thought it was me. It was horrible. I had  
to tell him to be quiet and phone the White House Counsel's office." Suddenly she  
realized what she was saying. "Oh Sam, we are SO not having this conversation."

  
"Gotcha." There was silence.

  
"Are you ok?" Sam asked tentatively. CJ started to laugh but it turned into sobs.

  
"I am so far from ok that I probably won't see ok until the administration after the next  
one. I thought we were friends, Sam. In fact, there was a time, before the twins came, that  
I thought we would be, you know, something more." She stopped to catch her breath.  
"But then Andy got pregnant and Zoey disappeared and Leo had a heart-attack and the  
next thing I know I'm the Chief of Staff to the most powerful man in the world and  
people keep disappearing on me. Toby was it. And now to find out he…" The sobs  
overcame her.

  
"CJ… CJ, stay with me." Sam felt so powerless being so far away. "Do you want me to  
get on a plane? I'd do it you know."

  
CJ's sobs turned into laughter. "Oh sure, Spanky, like that wouldn't start any rumours.  
No, stay clear of witness lists and those who might appear on such lists. But do keep  
calling… on my cell."

  
"Is this Josh putting his hand through a window? Like should I be concerned and calling  
Stanley?"

  
"Sam, God, I don't know. I thought he was fine. But then I thought Josh was fine too.  
And even though Niagara Falls is happening on my face right now, I think I'm fine too.  
What do I know? This is why I got a communications degree, not a psychology degree."

  
"Do you think he needs a lawyer?"

  
"No, he's got some high-powered woman named Alana at his beck-and-call." CJ reached  
for a Kleenex. "You'd do that for him?"

  
"Sure." Sam paused. "I know we never were good friends or anything but I'd like to think  
that if I was in a jam, he'd offer me a hand. We used to be so good together, he and I,  
Josh and Leo, you keeping us all in line."

  
CJ got choked up all over again. "Oh, Sam, he considered you a good friend. A really  
good friend. Why do you think he took it so hard when you left? Poor Will… I think he  
was dodging pink balls so much that he literally ran into Bingo Bob's office when he had  
the chance. Toby smiled on the inside, remember? And I think he grieved there too."

  
"You think this is about his brother? I still feel bad that I didn't find out until after the  
funeral. I should've been there."

  
"None of us were there. He didn't want it to be a thing. Then he had that big fight with  
Josh afterwards… I don't think he ever recovered from that."

  
"Yeah, Josh mentioned it briefly but didn't get into details." Sam sighed. "I feel like I'm  
6 and my parents have just announced that they are getting a divorce."

  
CJ smiled ruefully. "Yeah I know the feeling. Oh, and did I mention that China and  
Russia might be going to war over Kazakhstan?"

  
_Hero_  
 _It's a nice-boy notion that the real world's gonna destroy_  
 _You know_  
 _It's a Marvel comic book Saturday matinee fairytale, boy_

  
"Jed?"

  
Abbey woke up to find the other side of the bed empty. She sat up and squinted around  
the room to find it empty. She grabbed her robe and headed to her husband's private  
study. There she found the president, seated at his desk, head in his hands.

  
"Jed, you ok?" She immediately grimaced. "Ok, stupid question. Can I help?"

  
He looked up and she gasped audibly. His face was streaked with tears.

  
"Abbey…" He could go no further. She moved to him quickly and took him in her arms.  
"It's going to be ok." She waited as he struggled to gain control of himself. Finally he  
pushed her away and shakily got to his feet.

  
"No, Abbey, it's not going to be ok. It's never going to be ok again. I just fired someone  
that I considered to be, if not a close friend, than a son. Why? Because he decided that he  
knew better than the rest of us jackasses in power and leaked classified information." He  
walked towards the bedroom. "It's never going to be ok again."

  
_Growing older you'll find that illusions are bought_  
 _And the idol you thought you'd be was just another zero_  
 _I wanna be a hero_

  
He lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling, watching the patterns made by traffic lights  
seeping through his window. There was a message on his machine when he got home,  
from Andy, telling him that even though it would be his weekend with the kids, she had  
decided to make an impromptu trip to Montana to visit her parents. He wondered, idly,  
when her parents had moved to Montana and then dismissed the thought. The intent was  
clear – Andy didn't want her kids in the presence of a felon. It didn't matter that they  
were only three and wouldn't understand… Andy was communicating how she felt. How  
everyone felt.

  
When did it come to this? When had he reached the conclusion that nothing mattered  
anymore, that rules were meant to be broken, that the end justified the means? When had  
ideas become more important than people, when doing the right thing in his own mind  
overshadowed the ones he loved being hurt. He winced as he remembered the look in  
CJ's eyes after he told her, the betrayal, the pain. He couldn't believe that he didn't see  
this coming when he sat down with Greg Brock. What did he think would happen? The  
truth would come out, he'd be hailed as a hero, they'd write poetry about him for  
generations to come?

  
The President's words had hurt too at first but then they made him angry. Jed Bartlet and  
his father – the only two men who could make him feel angry, hurt and guilty all at once.  
Regardless of what the President believed, Toby knew that he wasn't morally superior to  
anyone. He knew it during the first campaign when Leo fired everyone but him, he knew  
it just before the second campaign when he had heard about the MS for the first time…  
he knew it now. He remembered last year when Leo had talked to him about David's  
suicide and made the comment that he and Josh were no longer barking at the heels of the  
party – they were the party. Maybe that was the problem. He was so used to feeling like  
an outsider, whether it be on the school grounds during recess or during a presidential  
campaign that he didn't know how to be on the inside. It was so much easier to yell and  
throw rocks at things outside of your control. But if you were the one making things  
happen and people were throwing rocks at you… it hurt.

  
He got up, knowing sleep would not be coming tonight. He went over to the window,  
looked down at the traffic and thought about how insignificant he had become in 24  
hours. Not too many people go from being the White House Communications Director to  
a suspected felon all in one day. He grimaced. Not too many people manage to turn  
family against them in the space of a day either.

  
Suddenly he was aware of pain in his right hand. He looked at it, almost as though it  
didn't belong attached to the end of his arm. It was clenched… he relaxed it and the pain  
eased slightly. He took a breath speculatively…nope, still hurt.

  
_Heroes died when the squealers bought 'em off_  
 _Died when the dealers got 'em off_  
 _Welcome to the "in it for the money as an idol" show_  
 _When they ain't as big as life_  
 _When they ditch their second wife_  
 _Where's the boy to go?_  
 _Gotta be a hero_


End file.
